Buying Time

I've recently begun looking at PhD programs in New England for cultural anthropology, realizing with some despair that I'll need more study and school if I want to pursue a doctorate in anthropology.  I will admit that it is quite disheartening to realize - even after four years of school - that I will need even more to continue on into a field of interest.

For example, I've always been interested in cultural anthropology of the Near East - Sumerian, Assyrian, and Persian cultures have always fascinated me (I even did a study of Sumerian mythology two terms ago).  Most programs require a "mastery of language" in the field one wishes to study in.  In this case, I would have to learn Hebrew and other ancient Semitic languages, in addition to Farsi (which is the closest living linguistic relative to Persian).  How, then, am I supposed to learn these language when I have no more than a brief knowledge of them?  I participated in a play in high school in which I learned a Hebrew song.  I don't know how to read Hebrew except that it reads from right to left (like Farsi and many other middle and near eastern languages), and I certainly couldn't translate it.  Where, then, do I begin?

It seems I must begin from, well, the beginning.  I think I fare reasonably well in learning languages, a trait I probably inherited from my father and his mother, but it seems such a daunting task to learn a language so incredibly different from the romantic Indo-European languages I've already learned.  Even while studying Sumerian mythology, and reading the phonetic spellings of the cuneographic text that immortalizes the language (and its myths), I was able to, at least to some degree, begin to understand certain pieces of it.  Ki, for example, means earth - and rib.  The creation myth (which was eventually "borrowed" by Judaism and Christianity) describes the goddess, Ki, created from the rib of her husband.  There was some wit to this myth in the Sumerian culture, as her name served three purposes; not only to vouch for her creation (from the rib "Ki" of her husband) but her name represented the earth (and she represented fertility), and in essence, her equality of her husband.  In Judaio-Christian myth, the words lost their meaning overall and so she became unequal.  The play on words was lost, thus the meaning was lost.  

It's not that I think I'm incapable of learning that which I would need in order to succeed in (one of) the fields I've always dreamed of excelling in, but there are three major problems that occur in the capitalist higher education system we are exploited by today.  The first is that they operate as a business, which I will admit they must to some degree- but I cannot afford $40,000 a year, nor can I afford to quit my job and pursue this full time.  Secondly, I cannot afford extra credit hours at another nearby college in an anthropology undergraduate program as I have, unfortunately, tapped out my resources.  Thirdly, I simply cannot devote the time to such an endeavor unless, of course, I quit my job - which is not an option for many reasons, one among them that I really do enjoy it. 

Thus comes the ever irritating questions - what are my priorities, and how exactly do I line them up correctly?  How can I afford to pursue this dream without destroying myself and my life in the process?  Oh to live a life free of worry is sometimes my only wish.  I even told my brother tonight that I would love to pursue a life in photography and writing - but how do I even do that?  I have been raised to work and earn my living, to live without crushing debt and to live without drawing on the resources of others.  I have been raised by one very conservative man (my father was a state trooper and is now full time military) and one very creative woman (painter, hairdresser, and local business owner)- both on two completely opposite sides of a spectrum, one which I feel sometimes is tearing me apart.  I feel sometimes as if I live a life devoid of some inherent happiness that I am supposed to possess; as if my life is valued by the number of other peoples' expectations that I have fulfilled.  Finding a way to complete my own life is a question of free will. Free will, it seems, is sometimes in short supply for those weak of heart, like me.  

It seems that, for now, my dreams are put on hold.  Paying a mortgage is more important than preying on the dreams of my past- and yet there they are, just over my shoulder, begging me to pull them back in front of me and take charge.  A constant struggle of wills, my conservative self, my free will, and my creative self, all pulling in separate directions.